They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
