I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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