Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
