i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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