Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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