I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
