I feel great
I just peed on a car
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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