you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
