I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize