I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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