Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
