Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
