my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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