Someone shit on the floor
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
