Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
3 2 1 whiskey
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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