my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
