Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I did not marry a roomba.
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