I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
