I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
