I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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