Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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