I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
