happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Text me some of your sweat
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