Pappa wants mamma naked
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
