does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize