LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
