Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize