I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
