he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
