I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
