I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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