I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize