I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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