why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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