Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
