Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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