It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This baby is an asshole
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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