Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I will die if light touches me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
