Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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