Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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