so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
