Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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