My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
