He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
