I faked an abortion last night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
