Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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