dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
