I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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