this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
