I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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