quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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