no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
