You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
