do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
