It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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