Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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