its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
